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Don’t Talk to Me, My Friends Are Watching!
Sound familiar? As
children approach their teen years, many parents find it
difficult to strike a balance between "letting go" and "being
there" for their children. This often leads to a decline in
parent involvement.
The reasons are two-fold. First, maturing children have a
growing need to develop a sense of self and independence that
is separate from their families. They begin to weigh choices
and consequences, make more decisions on their own, learn from
their mistakes, and establish their own set of values to guide
their decisions and actions. They begin refusing help from
their parents and don’t want them along when they’re with
friends.
Second, parents’ roles begin changing to allow for their
children’s self-identity development. While parents continue
to offer support and love, they begin stepping back a little
in all aspects of their children’s lives in order to show
their respect for their children’s growing independence.
Parents must begin to let adolescents make their own
choices—good and bad—and have them take responsibility for
their actions and decisions.
The decline in parent involvement in middle and high school
years also can be attributed to changes in attitude. Young
people make it clear they don’t want their parents playing the
same role in their schooling that they once did. As children
begin to adjust to their new school environments and meet the
challenges of their new courses, parents may have less
understanding of the work their kids are doing in school.
Parents may feel unable to help with homework and hesitate to
discuss curriculum issues with teachers, resulting in their
becoming less involved overall.
Many research studies have shown that when parents continue to
be involved in their child’s education, these students achieve
more—regardless of their socioeconomic status, ethnic/racial
background, or the parent’s own education level. Research also
shows that they have a strong influence on their teenage
children. There are many things parents can do to maintain
strong involvement in their children’s lives as they approach
adolescence.
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Keep lines of
communication open. Parents need to have regular
conversations with their teens and supply them with honest
and accurate information on the many issues teens face.
Start important discussions with your children and
teens—about smoking, drugs, sex, drinking—even if the topics
are difficult or embarrassing. Don’t wait for teens to come
to you.
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Set fair and
consistent rules. Parents need to set boundaries that
help children learn that with their new independence comes
responsibility. Parents and adolescents can work together to
set appropriate limits. Be sure that young people understand
the purpose behind the rules.
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Support their
future. Even if parents don’t feel they can help with
homework, parents need to demonstrate that education is
important to them and their child’s future. It’s important
to know children’s teachers and to create a home environment
that supports learning.
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Be an
example. Parents need to demonstrate appropriate
behaviors. Show concern for and be involved in the community
and at school. Maintain regularly scheduled family time to
share mutual interests, such as attending movies, concerts,
sporting events, plays, or museum exhibits.
Although students
may not want parents directly involved in their classroom,
there are many ways parents can be involved in schools that
lead to positive effects on students. Some ideas communities
have used to create comprehensive parent involvement programs
include:
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Provide
transition sessions for parents & students entering middle
and high school.
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Establish a
family resource center at your school to share information
and other resources on adolescent development.
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Provide training
and instruction for parents on curriculum, teaching methods,
and tracking, assessment, and placement procedures and how
they effect students.
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Encourage
parents to volunteer by adopting and sponsoring academic
programs, school clubs, or teams.
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Invite parents
and students to serve on site-based management teams to
participate in school decision-making.
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Invite teachers,
parents, and students to work together to design and monitor
different community service experiences.
Increasing parent
involvement in middle and high schools benefits
everyone—parents, teachers, schools, the students themselves.
When students have a chance to work with adults as equals on
projects, each group gains a better understanding of the
other, communications improve, and relationships flourish.
While kids will still get embarrassed and will probably
continue to say things like, "Don’t talk to me, my friends are
watching," they will reap the benefits for years to come.
Cheshire UNH
Cooperative Extension - Adapted from an article by
the National PTA,
www.pta.org.
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