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Kristin Orsucci
KMS Student Assistance Counselor
If you are like many parents of adolescents, you see an
article like this one and begin reading it feeling a mixture
of hope and fear. Hope that you will find out that you are
doing everything right and fear that you might find out you're
not. This article is not meant to answer any question so big,
but simply to offer a friendly reminder of what to try to do
when parenting a teenager. In fact, I am only going to offer
you 1 tip to focus on (but it can be a tricky one): listen to
your teen.
Listen, not just to the information they are giving but to how
they are feeling. Since adolescents typically operate from
their emotions first, their emotions need to be recognized
before they are able to hear any logical reason about what
they are going through. When listening to how they feel, try
not to correct or judge their feelings but to acknowledge that
you hear them. When their feelings are heard, they are more
open to hearing the logical, factual information they need to
know. If you are not sure how to start a conversation when
your teen seems upset, sometimes mentioning the body language
you are seeing can be a supportive way to show your concern.
You might say, "You look angry. Is there something I can help
you with?" If you are thinking "How can I listen to my
teenager if he won't talk to me?" one suggestion is to remove
your teenager from the focus of the conversation. Instead of
saying "Have you ever been to a party when the parents weren't
home?" try "I've heard that some kids are going to parties
where the parents aren't home. Have you ever heard of that
happening?" This can allow your teenager to talk to you about
difficult situations without worrying that you will think she
is talking about herself or her friends.
That mixture of hope and fear that some of you felt when
beginning this article is a common emotional reaction when
thinking about your teenagers. Odds are that part of the
reason you may have felt that way is because you have listened
to reports about all of the dangers your teenager may face and
that concerns you. The reality is that there are dangers to be
concerned about and your adolescent may face some of them.
This is exactly why it is so important to listen to your teen
as closely as you listen to those reports and learn about
their hopes and fears so that you may support them through
these confusing but wonderful years.
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